We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!
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9: Why do some British people drop the t’s in their accents?
Me: Cause they have different accents from different parts of England.
9: No it’s cause they drank all the teas!
Welcoming 2023 with the same energy.
[neighbour sees me walking to horse barn with a shotgun] did it break its leg?
[me pretty sure the horse saw me practicing moonwalking] yeah
Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.
rip st. patrick, you would have loved green day.
If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.
Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell.
Well he actually said “less McDonald’s”, but I’m pretty sure I know what he meant.
A little advice… Simply set the microwave to 9 minutes instead of 90 seconds, and you too can ruin your lunch, just like me.
Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.
I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.
I don’t know how to be single. Today I saw a woman eating alone so I decided to sit next to her and introduce myself. She immediately started screaming at me like a crazy person and told me to get out of her car.
Horned lizards can squirt blood out of their eyes when threatened by predators, but my enemies have to be satisfied with my regular tears.
If we’re on a road trip and you don’t point out a cow when we see one you will have to get out and walk. Those are the rules. No exceptions.
Lying on the hammock while my wife does yard work. Don’t know exactly what she’s planting but the hole she dug is slightly bigger than me.
The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.
Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.
Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
IF YOU THINK IM GONNA SMILE BECAUSE IT REQUIRES FEWER MUSCLES YOUVE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING. NO OFF DAYS, WELCOME TO FROWN TOWN, BABY
Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.
7yo: Why can’t I have coffee?
Me: It’ll make u even more energetic than u already are
7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!
any last words?
My 4 year old nephew once stopped in the middle of soccer game to yell out to his mom that he smelled BBQ.
We are clearly related.
Doctor: I told you to gargle with salt water.
Me *slurping ramen noodles*: ᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉ
If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.
Def Leppard: “Pour some sugar on me. Ooh, in the name of love”
Def Leppard’s Mom: “Just great! Now we’re going to have ants!”