I had an interesting talk with my son’s Sunday School teacher because apparently, when she asked the kids for the next line to Jesus Loves Me this I know, he shouted out “Cause Stone Cold says so” instead and now the rest of the class won’t stop doing it.
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I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.
After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.
I told the 8 year old that Taylor Swift is apparently dating a football player and she goes “oh man, she’s gonna write a breakup song about how he was just playing games”
The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.
[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.
Always do the right thing
everyone has a camera.
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
[at work]
CW: Hey, I found your Twi…
Me: *jumps out window*
CW: …Twinkies.
That’s not how days work.
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”
Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?
we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive
so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*
If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.
ME: [bird watching]
PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.
Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”
A Match(.com), but for socks.
You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
I just had a near death experience
Death: I SAID 6 FEET, GODAMIT
[kelloggs meeting]
“okay so, the corn flakes box, what can we put on it?”
a chicken
“jim is there something wrong at home?”
I love eating my wife’s snacks because she seals them well and they stay crisp but if I eat more later, they’re no longer crisp because I didn’t seal them. So you see my dilemma.
I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong
Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.
MARIE KONDO: does this empty box spark joy?
ME: yes
MK: and this old iPhone 4 box?
ME: yes
MK: and allll of these Amazon boxes? do they spark joy too?
ME: yes
MK: and this other one over here with all of these smaller boxes inside it?
ME: yes
I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.
*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*
i love re-reading my favorite book
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
[Road trip]
me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on
kids: it’s just a blank CD
me: SHHH