Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.
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Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this
“Daddy, how do you get the snow off” my helpless six year old shouts as she’s outside in a snowsuit playing…in the snow…and it’s snowing
i am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. if you invite me, i am gonna show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me again
5 ways to appear taller
Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.
Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
Dating tip:
Girls like guys who takes control. Pick up a horse and ask “Where should I put this horse?” When she tells you, say no
If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.
DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.
For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.
*sees a fly*
ahhh
*trying to swat fly*
nooo
*gives up*
well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol
FLY: *hands me a tiny check*
ME: wat the
Him: Did you make a New Years resolution?
Me: Yeah, I’m gonna be more patient with idiots
Him: Great! How’s it going?
Me: *very deep breath* so so
It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
I have this recurring nightmare where I’m vegan and religiously doing crossfit, but I’m stuck on a deserted island and there is no one to tell.
*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn
Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”
🍞🦆
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [scanning menu] what page are u on
4yo does not want to go to school anymore, she wants to be homeschooled
I told her I will homeschool her this week and then she will go back to school next week. She’s delighted!
(There is no school this week)
I need to pick up a random hunky guy in a bar, bring him home, have him invite a friend, and THEN mention that I need furniture rearranged
✌🏽
I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
ME: i’m only afraid of two things: public speaking and ghosts
[later, on stage]
CROWD: BOOOOOOOO
ME: oh no
Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.
If I ever get married, I’m not wearing white. Nothing to do with the whole virginity thing, and everything to do with being a sloppy eater.
[texting mom]
u were right, my interviewer wasn’t crazy about the lucky binky
1997: *waits 5 minutes for dial-up internet connection*
2017: MY CAR’S VOICE DOES NOT PLEASE ME
Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.
To tell the difference between an African and an Indian elephant, you look at its ears, then lift one up and shout “WHERE ARE YOU FROM M8?”