It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out
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I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
The difference between just buying your teenage son some food on the way home and texting him to ask what he wants is approximately $30.
Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.
My resume says, “GIMME A JOB,” I’ve had four recruiters reach out and tell me to stop watching career TikTok for advice.
Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.
if I eat the entire box of girl scout cookies at once then I’ll only hate myself one time instead of each time I eat them do the math sweetie
*man choking*
Is there a doc in the house?
*Dr Pepper rises*
*searches man’s pockets*
Hey ur no doctor!
*moustache falls off*
*it’s Mr Pibb*
“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.
Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.
‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’
‘Sure, just hold the butter.’
[DATE]
ME: I’m a literature buff
HER: who do you read?
ME: read?
*cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*
therapist: and what motivation will we use ?
me: hate fueled spite ?
therapist: no
haha same
Me: I’ll see you in court, Counselor!
Her: Sir, I just asked if you want your Happy Meal to go.
Me: You can’t handle the truth!
They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef
I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit
HIPSTER COP: *into radio* “We’ve got a 13-88 in progress…it’s a pretty rare crime, you probably wouldn’t know it”
It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”
No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.
Jerry: He offered you a red pill and a blue pill?
George: Two pills, no water
Jerry: No water?
George: No water
Jerry: Cant take a pill without water
George: Never could
Jerry: So what’d you do?
George: I left. I’m not choking down a dry pill
Kramer enters in a leather coat
Soooo, if the string breaks off…do you just make yourself sneeze so that it shoots out?
Female cashier: [stares at me]
*rings up tampons*
Me, “There’s a warning light on in my car.”
Husband, “What does it say?”
Me, “It’s just a picture of an oblong thing.”
H, “The engine?”
Me, “It looks more like a submarine.”
H, “WHY WOULD THERE BE A SUBMARINE WARNING?”
Me, “Exactly what I thought. We are so connected.”
[Interview]
Him: Your resume just says you can have Friday afternoons off.
Me: Sounds great. I’ll take it.
Him at 1am: Wanna come over?
Me: Sure thing, sexy
-Cut to me crawling out of his TV like that girl in The Ring
I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”
[me as a knight]
Me: squire, young squire…do you have the time?
Squire: sir by the judge of the sun, it is 3pm
Me: wrong squire, it is (shutting visor) knight time
Hot girls tweet things like “his words. my curves. pain. my soul. barbecue sauce” and get 27k likes WTF is this app
Pot smokers like to say it’s safe because it’s natural. Other safe natural things include sunburn, poison ivy, and being eaten by a bear.