If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.
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Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.
I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.
Top Five Accountant Taboos:
5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
1. Sex
Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.
If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!
Neighbour: You have a ghost in this house
Me: What, really?
Neighbour: Promise me you’ll get an exorcist
Me: I promise
Neighbour: It’s important because you live alone
Me: No I don’t
Her: Thank you, I promise
Me: Oh God
Pro Tip: Use candles to set a romantic mood.
Pro Tip Addendum: don’t set the romantic mood right by curtains.
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. For Christmas can I get zero emails from the PTA, and just one a day from the school?
[stopping the tattoo artist 15 seconds into my “feel no pain” tattoo] ok so you’re gonna laugh
Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.
I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.
[murderer hunting me in the forest]
me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*
Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.
Me: I heard it’s 80 degrees already.
CW: My phone says 81.
Me: Ya know, someday I’m going to eat a hot dog right over your grave.
My neighbor is doing yoga in the backyard. Legs behind his head and hands under his… No, wait, he fell off the roof again.
In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.
Me (to friend): Oh my god, you have to meet him! He’s perfect!!
[8 years later]
Silently becomes enraged at the way he butters toast.
A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.
The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding
Dear trick-or-treaters: Would it kill you to say “thank you” when I hand you a freshly made egg salad sandwich?
They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.
Mom: *points to my yearbook photo* What a nerd, right?
BF: Haha your hair!
Me: *quietly* It was raining the day we took faculty pictures
Whenever I have a panic attack I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
Walking down the road last night, I passed an apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake.
I thought: “the streets are strangely desserted tonight”.
We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
[I open my lunchbox to find a copy of the Magna Carta]
But that means…
[cut to British Library patrons thoughtfully examining a Capri Sun]
Husband: *singing pop song*
Tween: Mom, do something.
Me: *starts dancing*
A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.