Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
You Might Also Like
I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡
Me: the only way to kill a zombie is to behead it
Cop [closing cuffs]: none of those people were zombies
Me: and they never will be!
Priest: What can I do for you son?
Me: A man ran over my dog and several hours later he died
Priest: Oh no I am so sorry
Me: The good news is my dog’s ok
[job interview]
INTERVIEWER: what can you tell me about the last three years of your life
ME: just that i hope they haven’t started yet
It’s a real shame Friday doesn’t come as quick as I do
[Court]
ME: You expect us to believe your alibi — that everybody’d gone surfin’? Surfin’ USA?
BEACH BOYS: *sweating* Y-yeah
ME: Then how do you explain this?! *I hold up a picture showing that everybody was kung-fu fighting*
She blocked me on everything, she must wanna see me in person
if your ears are burning that means someone is talking about you, and they’re talking to an emergency dispatcher BECAUSE YOUR EARS ARE ON FIRE.
If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years
Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?
Chess in Australia must be hard.
“Check, mate”
“Checkmate?”
“What?”
“Huh?”
Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”
Me: “No, there are explanations.”
Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.
In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.
Any refunds available?…
my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds
Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?
Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich
The best time to start a family fight is now. It gets you out of buying relatives gifts.
Breaking news:
Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.
ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more
It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not whining because of the cold. I’m whining because I have to wear a entire load of laundry to stay warm
8yo asked y we had an analog clock on the wall but I didn’t know what analog meant so I panicked & told her time was an illusion
[Police station]
Me: “Not sure what why you guys arrested me. I guess I just have one of those faces. Huh.”
Cop: “That’s right buddy, and if we don’t get it back to the transplant center by noon, they won’t be able to operate. So hand it over, capiche?”
REPORTER: How do you feel after serving 6 months under house arrest?
ME: I did not realize that had started.
Suicide Squad spoiler: Jared Leto’s Joker is so twisted he puts big spoons in the drawer slots where the little spoons go.
9: if a cigar is just made from a plant then why can’t kids have them?
me: I’m just trying to drink my morning coffee man.