Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄
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Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”
My kid’s preschool has us practicing Christmas program songs in September so if you see me in October walking around looking like a hot mess mumbling Christmas lyrics just hand me alcohol or put me out of my misery
[first day as furniture salesman]
Guy [inspecting bed]: nice, solid frame. Who makes it?
Me: you or your wife. Whoever gets up last really
Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual
‘I’ve been published!”
My wife: Calm down you wrote an Amazon review.
All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.
Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we’ll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up
Humans: And you will be a loyal friend
Cat: hahahaha sure
cop: [pointing at me] he with you?
him: never seen him before
me: [welling up] what the hell Jerry we literally just robbed a bank together
cop: do you know who the murderer is?
detective quasimodo: i have a [takes off sunglasses] decent lead
cop: [obviously disappointed] oh
detective quasimodo: what?
cop: it’s just i thought you were gonna say you had a… nvm it’s not important
My kids are gathered around the Christmas tree to analyze the gifts. They carefully weigh and gently shake each box, then they put other things around the house into cardboard boxes and shake them for comparison. They’re getting too tactical this year…Santa’s in the crosshairs.
me: [crying] it came outta nowhere
tour guide: a spider?
me: biggest teeth I’ve ever seen
guide: [panicking] omg a snake?
me: razor-sharp claws
guide: wait… a koala?! so why are you crying?
me: [wiping tears] such a nice cuddle
*buys 8 first class tickets, fills all of them with infants and toddlers*
Me, from way back in coach: *cups hands* SUCK IT RICH PEOPLE
Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left
I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers
…until I’m driving.
it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july
Once I heard a guy who climbed Everest say he did it, “Because it was there” and I just feel like the reason for undertaking one of the most strenuous feats in human existence should be different than the reason I ate an entire gallon of ice cream.
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
My 15 year old dishwasher finally kicked the bucket today. So my husband said, “Well at least now I know what you’re getting for Valentine’s Day.” YALL.
[Courtroom]
Judge: One more word & I’ll hold you in contempt!
Me: Yes! *jumps on his lap & throws arms around him* This is nice.
[college career fair]
Me: I cheated my way through school, lied to professors & learned nothing, FML
*CIA recruiter hires me on the spot*
My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt
And then one day we decided we were tired of sleeping in and doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted in a clean house, and we had kids.
My kind of messy bun is cinnamon.
“Okay, Bill, now you’re making it awkward.”
The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.
I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good
Oh deer