“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.
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[looking at pics]
Where’s that?
-Hawaii
Where’s that?
-Jamaica
Daddy where was I?
-You weren’t born
Why’s the folder called ‘Good Ole Days’?
can’t talk my ride’s here
For your consideration, a black footed ferret and the first words written about the black footed ferret in western scientific literature: “It is with great pleasure that we introduce this handsome new species”
No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN
6 said he isn’t sleeping in his room cause the tooth fairy sounds creepy but he left the tooth cuz he needs the money.
-No DNA test needed
hot peppers: if you chop me up i’ll cover your hands with pain oil.
me: no problem i’ll just wash them.
hot peppers: [chuckling] oh yeah good luck with that.
Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it
[at a sperm bank]
“Can I browse the clearance bin?”
Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.
Waiter: What kind of mustard, sir?
Me: French please
Garçon: Pardon, quelle sorte de moutarde, monsieur?
They also CAN sing✌️
love when my grandparents tell me the story of how they met and got together because suddenly I find myself googling things like “statute of limitations India” “how to report a crime from 1942” “can I report a crime in India if I live in America”.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i can cry
professor x: on command?
me: no just when i’m sad or whatever
professor x: you don’t punch a hole in the drywall?
me: nope
professor x: wow [writes on notepad] logan are you hearing this?
Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.
“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”
Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
WIFE: Kate’s new baby is 7lbs 11oz
ME:
WIFE: Roughly ½ a stone
ME:
WIFE: 3½ kilos
ME:
WIFE: [sigh] a four pack of beer
ME: Oh cool
Out of Office Auto-Reply:
I’m sorry but I’m overwhelmed and I don’t have my shit together right now so it’s going to be a while until I get back to you, and even when I do it may be a series of sighs and grunts in email form.
I like to impress a first date by pulling never ending toilet paper out of my bra like a magician.
What’s a second date like?
Went onto the patio and found out that my daughter is in the process of making fake dog doo with insulating foam sealant. Do I ask or just let nature take its course? #QuarantineCrafts
The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked
Her: WHAT?!
Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?
[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though
[in the insect dissection room]
Your fly is open.
We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.
Wife: why are there 8 knives on the ground?
Me: *points to the dead spider* it was self defence and that’s exactly what you’ll tell the cops when they get here