Willy Wonka: You don’t seem very impressed by all this
Me: When you said I could see your chocolate lab I was expecting a dog
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when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts
So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.
“I think therefore I am”
–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four
*checks real estate listings on other planets*
[phone rings in 1984]
“Eric get the phone”
Hello?
“Tell em I’m not home.”
She’s not home.
“Ask who it is.”
My mom wants to know who this is.
Def Leppard are a bunch of liars. I poured some sugar on a girl one time and it was a complete mess, she was not happy at all.
8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.
Me: Sounds pretty legit.
Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have
WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit
Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat
4yo: I had a dream about u mommy
Me: I feel so special
4yo: I flushed u down the toilet
Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.
Shepherd: I got ewe babe.
Kiss me you fool.
Embrace me you dolt.
Cuddle me you simpleton.
Marry me you megalomaniac.
HAVE MY BABY YOU GARBAGE PERSON.
Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I’m not sure if they’re trying to be sexy or if they’ve just been shot.
*Screaming at kids at soccer practice
LADY: Which one is yours?
ME: None of them. I just have anger issues.
Me: Sex?
Wife: Sure.
Me: Really? Just like that?
Wife: Yep.
Me: …never mind.
I don’t know what she’s up to, but I don’t like it.
Me: Do you have any three tiered wedding cakes?
Baker: But of course! When do you need it by?
M: No, I’ll just eat it here.
ME EVREY MORNIG: nonono no noNO no NONO NO!!!
ME EVREY NIGHT: u know wat wil make my morning amazing?! setting my favorite song as my alarm
Friend is a masseuse. Her speakers broke so she told client she can’t play any music, jokingly offered to sing for him instead. He said, “Just whale song or something will be fine”. Omg. She made whale noises for a full 15 minutes before he got up and complained to her manager
Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean
– me, as a gynecologist
Farms in Mexico are measured in Hectors.
Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.
friend: our baby was a surprise
me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how
Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.
Me: *finally finds the motivation to do a computer task that I’ve been procrastinating for months*
Laptop: TIME TO UPDATE LOSER
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.
When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.
The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup