BREAKING: Hillary Clinton concedes election to Donald Trump, saying “I just can’t see how I can win after Scott Baio endorsed Trump.”
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“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.
I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.
A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.
There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.
[on the 7th day]
Dodo Bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
God: yeah totally harmless little dude
Dodo: *watching Adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
God: *biting into a kit-kat* sure thing buddy
The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.
life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs
MURDER HORNET: 2020 is my year
BRAIN-EATING AMOEBA: hold my contaminated tap water
[On the phone with my MIL while the kids are staying with her for several days]
MIL: So, do you think you could be an empty nester?
Me (In bed at 10:30am with a package of Oreos scrolling Twitter): Oh I don’t know, I would miss them so much
Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!
If I was president I would put Netflix, Hulu, Prime, HBO, and every other streaming service in a room together and make them collectively decide how loud each volume number is
God has left this place
Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.
“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.
During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.
wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
My top 5 exercises:
-jumping to conclusions
-flying off the handle
-carrying things too far
-dodging responsibilities
-pushing my luck
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!*our canoe tips over*
Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.
Me: My heart is full.
Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.
I make a mortgage-sized payment monthly to send my kid to preschool. Today, I have to pick him up early so they can close to then reopen an hour later for an art show where I can pay a second time to buy art my kid made while I paid for him to be there.
Judge: so your petition says irreconcilable differences
Me: yesterday he wore Nike shoes with Adidas socks
Judge: divorce granted
You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong
The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.
I’m in a really bad place right now*
*in my neighbor’s driveway “stealing” my doordash that was delivered to the wrong house
Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.
Just ate a cheap foil-covered Easter egg & it was so disgusting, I ate 9 more to ensure my initial assessment was correct. I concur with me.
The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.
I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.
Jesus: this is my body
disciples: *eat bread*
Jesus: this is my blood
disciples: *drink wine*
Jesus: I also made brownies
Judas: but I have diabetes
Jesus: huh. Well, isn’t this a shame *holds eye contact while eating a brownie* shame, shame, shame