50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds
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I only took my daughter to work with me once when she was little.
She cried cos she was expecting to see all the clowns I said I worked with.
“Hi I’m Dave and I’m an alcoholic”
*uncomfortable murmur*
“I’ll be your captain today. Our flight time into Phoenix will be 3 hours and
“Ewww what is wrong with your mouth?”
Me thru coated lips:
I read that peanut butter is good for chapped lips. What? You think I should have used creamy?
[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder
[Having a tea party]
Kid: *takes sip, spits it out*
Me: Oops, I gave you the wrong one! So sorry that’s Mommy’s “tea”
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding
My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
Airlines trust I can operate an emergency door and usher hundreds of passengers to safety but think I need step by step instructions on buckling a seatbelt.
How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?
Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn’t for me, it was for the organization of course.
#SaturdayBears
Some nice person with absolutely no issues of their own dm’d me and asked how I sleep at night being such a “bloodsucking piece of sh*t divorce attorney” and I said, “like a baby on 1000 thread count sheets.”
My dentist reminded me of my wife’s sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed.
Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists.
Some people don’t know the opposites to these words:
1. Always
2. Coming
3. From
4. Take
5. Me
6. Down
Fellas, stop putting rings in our food and let us eat our Crème Brûlée in peace.
Is that a pineapple in your pocket, or are you just….Why do you have a pineapple in your pocket?
Creepy guy at gas station: you got boyfriend?
Me: um yes. I’m married.
CG: *shrugs* your loss.
Me:
CG:
If you haven’t met someone, don’t despair.
There are plenty of salmon in the cannon.
My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.
Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.
Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after
*nonchalantly waters the geraniums with a lawnmower*
Henceforth I’m going to say ‘state’ after I say the name of EVERY American state because why should Washington get that treatment exclusively?
me: ahh vacation
brain: time to relax
me: no work
brain: well it’s still there
me: stop
brain: just… waiting
me: please
brain: g r o w i n g
me: no
The suburbs are powerful. No matter how strong you think you are, by day two you’re eating dinner at 4 and asking what the weather’s looking like tomorrow
Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.
When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.
I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore
Would you wear it?
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern