Pretty much! 😂👀
You Might Also Like
Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby
*goes in for first kiss*
*stops*
Before this goes any further, I need to understand your position on naming our kids after water Pokèmon
[after sex]
Me: is that a tattoo of Sebastian the crab?
Her: yeah, I love crabs
Me: then I have some GREAT news!
I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair
I’m not an expert but still waiting for the day that I will actually use x²+y+8[(x+2y² = a-z]+2x³+(-2z = 2.4)+10y-5Z³ = k= 9 in real life.
Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..
Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?
Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.
{swallowed by a whale}
Me: gross. It’s so-
Whale: don’t you say it
Me: MOIST. I said it’s MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!
Whale: *throws me up*
But is it really??
OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.
Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
My husband got *me* a fitness game for the Nintendo for Christmas.
I was like “what are you trying to say?”
Now the kids are at level 130 and wearing themselves out daily while out of my hair.
Turns out he’s a great gift giver.
You learn early in life not to play around in your mom’s purse. Especially things that look like a little can of silly string.
The mace stays in your lungs and eyes for life.
I’m never marrying anyone else that I find on craigslist.
ME: I got you a therapy cat
WIFE: THAT’S A LION!
ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach
[me flirting]
Cute guy: hey how’s it goin
Me: YES I ALSO LIKE BLUEBERRIES
Cute guy:
Me: THEY’RE ACTUALLY PURPLE WHEN YOU SMUSH THEM
Cute guy: *backing away*
Me: I HOPE DROGON IS OKAY
Having a panic attack thinking about how there’s somebody in Australia standing directly under me
[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]
Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”
My wife just put down a magazine & said “I have to stop reading this article because the author said she named her son Gideon.” ❤❤❤
That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants
In one class I have a Bella, an Ella, an Eli and an Ellie. Say those names quickly three times in a row and Bloody Mary appears to steal your freshly sharpened pencils.
*sees hot guy
*wiggles eyebrows
*licks lips
*winks, contact lens falls into coffee, sips coffee, gags on contact lens*mouths* “call me”
Therapist: Where do you see this going?
Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.
I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.
I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said “Liz’s. Don’t Touch!” for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.
MEDICAL EXAMINER: According to the autopsy, the victim did not actually know karate
MY GHOST: noooooooo
*standing in front of my girlfriend’s house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME