Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie
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so this horse walks into a bar
That moment when Exam Invigilator looks at your answer sheet and address whole class
“Students, please make sure that you are reading the questions carefully”
I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
*throws away a paper clip I haven’t used in 20 years*
[2 seconds later]
Shit I need a paper clip
*serious situation*
My brain:
I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle
and now we wait
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair
Is this one haunted?
“No”
What about that one?
“Ma’am, none of the booze is haunted”
What kind of wine and spirits store is this?!
TERMINOTOR: come with me if u want to live
ME: ok cool
*just sits there*
TERMINOTOR: COME WITH ME IF–
ME: ya i got it. im good right here
Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.
replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty
The worst is that a 27 y/o who wanted to marry Charles Manson & charge ppl to see his corpse had more of a future financial plan than we do.
I’m not like all those other girls
*regurgitates a seagull*
Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet
HR and I apparently disagree on what “debriefed” means.
It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.
Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.
Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it
Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.
“When I said Legos, I meant Roblox, but don’t worry about it. Santa knows what I meant.”
My 4YO, on the evening of December 23rd.
Farmer: Here, take a gander.
Goose: No! My husband!
Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.
I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.
[second day of ninja training]
“Glad to see you’re all taking this more seriously. All except you, Glen. The tap shoes and air horn are, to say the least, antithetical, to what we’re doing here.”