I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.
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“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth,” I whisper as I discover my strange mole is actually a half melted chocolate chip.
*at bedtime
And in this corner weighing in at 32 pounds is a toddler calling herself the Intimidator. I see she has a “Sleep is for the weak” tattoo on her forearm and has made a strong move refusing pajamas and crying for mommy…
[Honest banana advertisement]
Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many
I don’t care how hardcore you are. If you don’t cry when Dumbo visits his mommy in elephant jail, you have no soul.
Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like ‘idk how to hold a pencil.
Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.
People commenting on celebrities posting makeup-free selfies: “Empowering queen!”
Me, posting a makeup-free selfie: “Rough night? Need a hug?”
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017
My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.
I found a YouTube video that addresses a question I have, but I can’t skip the ad, so I have decided to muddle through life not knowing the answer.
I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn’t just do a choreographed musical number called “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King”.
Wifey and I overheard our 3 y/o talking to himself saying who’s my favorite, mama or dada? So we waited in suspense and then he said his favorite is baby and his second favorite is woofy. I can’t even beat the dog that pisses on his carpet when it thunderstorms.
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago
If you love something, set it free…
Except if ‘It’ is a man.
Because he’ll get lost,
and won’t ask for directions.
[at dinner]
Wife: This is terrible.
Me: Horrible.Waiter: Hey folks, how’s your food?
(simultaneously)
Wife: Amazing! Me: Fantastic!
If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.
Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.
interviewer: what’s your greatest strength
me: you tell me
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: delegating?
me: that’s right
If you’re looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, I’m your guy.
I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.
When customers come in 6 hours before closing
[interview]
Boss: Your CV says eggs, milk, bread
Me: That’s right
[cut to supermarket]
Wife: Excuse me, where are the attention to details?
[during sex]
Him: are you on your phone?
Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it
when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances
i spent way too long on this
I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.