Funny how bullies only bully people who are susceptible to bullying.
They don’t bully people who’d throat punch em without thinking twice.
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I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
-Kids
Edward norton: what’s your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious
[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!
My wife and I are having a fitness competition. She is out running, and I am wondering if the dog will drink Red Bull and wear my tracker.
In Russia, Pokemon find you.
Hugh Jackman implies the existence of a small ackman
A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician go on a hunting trip. They spot a deer n the physicist takes aim first, bullet misses the deer by 5m to the left.
Chemist fires, but the bullet misses by 5m to the right.
The statistician jumps up & down, shouting, “We got it!
WHY?
Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.
Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.
Let’s ask the Ouija board a question. Is my wife’s meatloaf good? *pointer moves to NO* You see, Debra? No I did not move it myself
Owl Sanctuary
Don’t call me “Dad”, please call me by my professional title, “Half-Eaten Food Connoisseur Broken Toy Engineer Butt-Wipeologist”.
At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.
my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”
How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it
*Poltergeist tosses dishes out of the cabinet, rips the chandelier from the ceiling, pulls and severs the WiFi router from the wall, then screams like a banshee as it flies down the hallway*
13 Year Old Son: I’m bored.
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*has to pee*
*watches soccer*
*gets up to pee*
*misses goal*
:/
You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.
The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
*Followed*
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
Called my boss this morning and asked if I can come a little later in to work.
He replied with: “Dream on!”
That’s very nice of him, right?
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.
Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now
I wanted to go out tonight, but the avocado I bought last week will finally be ripe enough to eat between 9pm – 9.15pm so I can’t.
Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.
Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?
There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.
*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*
ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.
I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.