*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear
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I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.
Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.
If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:
iDied.
If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.
FRIEND: Hey can I see your tattoo of a bat?
ME: My what?
FRIEND: Your tattoo.
ME: ?
FRIEND: *Sigh* Your battoo.
ME: Of course!
lawyer: be careful – now that you’ve won the lottery, you’re suddenly going to have a lot of new friends who want-
me: omg i’m gonna have friends?!
Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’
That awkward moment when he asks you if you’re mad and you assure him that you’re very happy and he says…
“No, I meant, you seem crazy.”
Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it
7yo: You can’t say that, you’ll go to hell and turn into a devil!
4yo: And I will still be cooler than you!
The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd
Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. “Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!”
I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.
Doctors say we need a bedtime ritual. Mine is replaying awkward moments from the day and obsessing on them for maximum sleep interruption.
My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target
I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.
officer: give me your name
me: then what am I going to use?
I won against my toddler in Candy Land today and she for real put my player back at the start and said “you go here now.” Then she continued to play and then told me she won.
REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.
Welcome to Gullible Victim Club.
Lol. I can’t believe you showed up. Now gimme your purse or I’ll stab you.
I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.
Pro-tip for you non-anxious folks out there, if you’re gonna shoot someone a “Hey can we talk” message, for the love of God include what you want to talk about
Nose
Me: Hey bud, you want to read a book?
3:
Me: Do a puzzle?
3:
Me: Paint?
3:
Me: Okay well I have to put your brother down for a nap. Just be quiet please.
3: [Leads a marching band through living room while on parade float]
Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now
Her: I like long walks on the beach.
Me: Is there WiFi?
Her: Where?
Me: The beach.
Her: What?…No.
Me: We should see other people.
sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭
I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation
There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug
Me: I had a bad upbringing & now I’m worried I’ll be a terrible father
Therapist: how many kids do you have?
Me: like 3 I think