Hey Mommy can you spend an hour building this intricate race track only for me to tell you I don’t want to play with it after all?
-every kid ever
You Might Also Like
When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”
axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable
I said goodbye to everyone at a party and then mistakenly walked into a closet and was too embarrassed to walk back out so I live here now.
[reading bedtime stories]
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: spot.
Daughter: what’s her name?
Me: daisy.
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: [sigh] I don’t know, brian.
Wife: what are you reading?
Me: 101 Dalmatians.
Wife: lol [closes door].
Daughter: what’s his na-
My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.
#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning
“Britney Spears” implies the existence of a “Britney Swords”, who probably has less attack speed and range but more well-rounded damage output potential
there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to speak to the manager.
{Thomas Edison prank call}
Is your refrigerator running?
“Yes..”
YOU’RE WELCOME!
*click*
My mom didn’t respond to the family gardening group thread when I announced my monarch caterpillars so I called the landline, and it was so worth it. She used to have an “I brake for butterflies” bumper sticker. Definitely more excited than when I told her I was getting married
people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
Hotel Front Desk: checking out ma’am?
Me: I’m a mom of three, I checked out a long time ago.
HFD:
Me: oh yes, I’m done with the room.
Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.
*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*
Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more
If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.
[Wheel]
_’D L_K_ TO SOL__ TH_ P_ZZL_
I’d like to solve the puzzle, Pat
Go ahead
I’d like to solve the puzzle
Yes, go ahead
No, I’d like to..
ugh just spilled my starbucks coffee on my phone and now all my contacts are misspelled.
What I know about light:
-Cannot be eaten
-Unless…
-Maybe can be eaten?
-I definitely made an eating motion
-But I am not full?
-Try again?
-I bit my tongue
-Can hurt your tongue
I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.
What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?
Five out of six people enjoy Russian Roulette.
I used to accidentally repeat stories to my friends a lot but now I just say “I think I’ve already told you this” and say it again anyway
My dad did not let me watch Dexter’s Labratory because he said it was unrealistic. “A lab that size would absolutely devastate the foundation of the house” he would say.
RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?
“Dad this is serious I’m in jail”
Hi serious this is dad
“Dad! Be serious! Wait NO!”
HI SERIOUS THIS IS SERIOUS!
Them: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”
Me: Hell hath no fury like a woman hungry and a man that won’t decide where to eat
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.
Just ordered Dominos while at Dominos because I need a ride home.