[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this
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USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely
Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.
“we serve breakfast all day” no you don’t, you serve eggs and pancakes for dinner, which is totally fine, but let’s not lie to ourselves
When I told someone at work I didn’t have plans for Halloween because I’m not 5 y/o, she seemed stunned. I guess I really do look young.
it is time once again
I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.
I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography
I’VE BEEN SHOT. SEND HELP! I’M GOING DOWN. Wait. False alarm. The wire on my bra just snapped in half.
Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?
Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.
1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.
In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.
the abolition of the 140 character limit and the advent of threads are responsible for the current state of this website. turned what was mostly cute little quips into constant insufferable bloviating posts like this one
Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.
Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?
Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.
FINANCIAL TIP: Invest in any store where you see my wife buying shoes.
cop: [making list of animals that escaped]
zookeeper: “the tigers should be your top priority”
cop: [scribbling out ducks] “obviously”
The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor
Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.
i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat
[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?
Age 8: “Being a werewolf would be fun!”
Age 18: “Being a werewolf would solve all my problems.”
Age 28: “Being a werewolf is an escapist power fantasy for emotionally stunted children.”
Age 38: “Being a werewolf would be fun AND it would solve all my problems!”
[after sex]
Me: is that a tattoo of Sebastian the crab?
Her: yeah, I love crabs
Me: then I have some GREAT news!
Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.
it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.
I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a veterinarian
Me: thank you for your service
Date: veterinarian not veteran
Me: ok but still
[creating seals]
Angel: It’s been a long day, how about just one more thing?
God: Give that dog a wetsuit & lets go the pub.
My wife just shouted “I’M NOT A MIND READER” during an argument that began with her saying “I know what you’re thinking”