serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?
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SPELLING BEE
“Defiant”
Can I have the definition, please?
“No”
I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.
Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s this
Son: it’s our house
Me: have you ever actually looked at our house
Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.
Me: digging up to the surface for a bit
Worm Wife: why
Me: idk because I can sense that it’s raining?? How does this not interest you
Worm Wife: you’ll shrivel up you know…
Me: You’re crazy, it’s so wet out there 😂
Me: think I’m gonna crawl across the entire driveway 😳
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
her: the limit on tacos is 6 per person, sir
me: can i get 7
her: no
me: 8
her: no
me: 9
her: no
me: 10
her: you can’t do this forever
me: are you even familiar with numbers
her: yes?
me: 11
I just got really sad thinking about Voldemort trying to enjoy a nice day at the beach but his sunglasses won’t stay on his face
“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”
Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot…I don’t even work there.
Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue
*Password looks at itself in the mirror*
“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”
I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.
-Everyone’s mom
we did it you guys we saved daylight
*walks in house wearing a large neck brace*
oh no, what happened?
“my earbud cord got caught on a chair while I was walking”
There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.
If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.
Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we’d probably do to each other if we weren’t so tired and achy.
“just great, I’ve lost my house my wife is leaving and my kids hate me how can this day get any worse”
-A dinosaur, 66 million years ago
Can someone wake me up when this nightmare is over?
*lies on floor, closes eyes tight*
(in customer service line at Walmart)
If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.
I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.
[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”
*A demon tries to posses my soul while I sleep but can’t because he’s choking on all of the axe body spray I’m wearing*
*power walks to the refrigerator*
Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.
Me: What if the pig eats them?
Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.
Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.
There’s no “i” in team. Unless you’re illiterate. Then there’s an “i” in everything. More creim in mi cofii pleis
Me: Just a woman looking for a connection in this thermal nuclear apocalypse.
Guy: Hey-
Me: Not you.