Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, “Please wear.”
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Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
Did you have a good weekend or did your 4 y/o tell a lady with grey hair in the greeting card isle to “Move it old lady!”?
when i die i wanna come back as a gerbil because they’re so cuddly and are notoriously vindictive, grudge-holding creatures
I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am
Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?
[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty
I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.
I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.
Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead
her: I like my men strong
me: *lifts-*
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*
“DOC TELL ME STRAIGHT”
doc: u got lou gherrigs disease
*cops barge in* ur under arrest
“FOR WHAT”
cop: mr gherrig reported a missing disease
The term is sous chef not Sioux chef. It’s a role in the kitchen not the leader of a proud indigenous tribe.
PENSIVE MAN: the most terrifying enemy we face is the fear within
PERSON WHO NARROWLY SURVIVED A GRIZZLY ATTACK: or a bear
the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs
You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.
Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.
Had a big lunch at Taco Bell. Off to the woods to prove a point.
Childbirth is so beautiful
Cardio? Is that in Spain?
Nobody:
Toy Makers: KIDS ARE PROBABLY HARD OF HEARING SO MAKE SURE EVERYTHING IS LOUD
If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.
[hand sensing faucet factory]
Worker: sir, we are ready to load the hand recognition software
Boss: ok great but *shows picture of me* make sure it doesn’t work for this guy
The sacred texts.
Me flirting at a party
me: so what’s your major
her: radiology
me: oh cool AM or FM?
The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language
for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago
Therapist: So what happened in your last relationship?
I lost him to addiction.
Therapist: I’m so sorry. Drugs?
Yes please.
On Facebook:
Them: Look! We’re at the beach!
Me: Look! I’m in your house!
“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.
Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met
Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy
HP: ..