If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
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The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.
Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.
I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
[leaving HS reunion w/ date]
Aren’t you going to ask why everybody was calling me ‘smelly boy’ tonight?
“Seemed pretty clear I thought”
ME TO MY CAT: Now show them the word I taught you that means you have an ouchie.
MY CAT: me-ow
FRIENDS: ……you’re an idiot.
Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?
Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman
We’re having sweet potato fries with dinner
“Haha sweet potatoes?”
DON’T
“Don’t what?”
You’re gonna make a dumb potato pun
“I YAM NOT!”
Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.
When complaining of a stomach ache, you don’t really need to point to it or pat it gently. People pretty much know where the stomach is.
Beast: I’ll be like this until someone loves me for who I am
Ugly girl: I’ll love you for who you are
Beast: not you, someone attractive. So I really learn my lesson
*the night I met my spouse*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
*present day, as the kids binge YouTube*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
[touring beyonce’s house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it
[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles
Jeff Golblum playing a Star Wars producer: hmmmlaser swords you say? Mmm hmmm ha ha ha, okay, but here’s the thing I want there to be a small frog man to have one of those …laser swords? do I have that right? yeah
[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes
What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us
I enjoyed JOHN WICK 4 and its over-the-top glee, especially how many stairs he falls down. When you think that’s all the stairs he’s gonna fall down, nope, more stairs
If a bank robber yelled at me to get down on the ground and then my apple watch told me to stand I’d be legit conflicted for a second
I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.
Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.
“If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you-“
*interrupting* haha, he said prick
Me: how are you
Friday: good
Passwords are more important than ever.
I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.
“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
Superman finally decides, after realizing an entire city of people is duped by a pair of glasses, that Metropolis really isn’t worth saving.