Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts
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My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.
This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all
A new study shows that drinking two to three coffees a day can lower the risk of heart problems. Because who has time for heart problems when they have constant daytime stress diarrhea?
I’ll be deep frying something later on, because Sunday is the lard’s day.
My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.
I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
inside you are two wolves
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the
courage to change the things I can,
and a really big sandwich. Big ol’ sandwich
No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.
ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?
Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.
He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.
ALERT
At 9:20am, I lost an apostrophe.
Last seen in the word “Let’s”.
If you see it, please send it home.
Its tweet misses it.
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile
“Are you insane? Did you escape from a mental institution?” he flirted.
Why is no one talking about this?!
Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…
Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*
Sponch
If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.
I’m gonna wait for my aunt to finish her coffee before I tell her I kinda backed into her car just a little this morning. Seems like the right thing to do.
Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.
Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order
*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?
Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.
[Dog doing something I don’t want him to do]
Me: No
Dog: “Dear Sir or Madam: Thank you for your thoughts on the matter. We shall take them under advisement.”
*posts “Glitter is my favorite color”*
*sits back to smirk while 347 strangers tell me glitter isn’t a color*