Friend: Why are there 5 FBI agents sitting at desks in your bedroom?
Me: Ordered a small bureau on line and this is what they sent.
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Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.
How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what
“More than 1 way to skin a cat” – “Killing 2 birds with 1 stone” – Running like a chicken with its head cut off”
— who ARE we???
DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.
Tomorrow I’m definitely going to start running, no matter how many days it takes!
Nothing quite as humiliating as somebody slow-rolling past your garage sale and not stopping, like “I’m not above buying another person’s junk but just not yours.”
Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?
Me: Since the age of two.
Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?
“…and this is my beautiful boy, Jason.”
Coworker: Jason, huh? Where’d u get a name like that?
Boss: Jafather, can I see u in my office?
After I tucked my 3yo into bed he handed me his water cup and said “you can freshen this on your way out”. I updated my resume to reflect my experience running a hotel.
waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that
me: yes
Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.
Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.
Job interview
HR: What’s your best asset?
Me: I have an excellent memory.
HR: Give me an example.
Me: Of what?
@Mardigroan @sofarrsogud If you own a coffee shop and aren’t having a July Froth sale, what are you even doing?
Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.
(Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today’s pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)
I hate what you’ve done with the place.
I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.
gentlemen, we are gathered here today by my milkshake.
Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.
*takes the high road*
*gets altitude sickness*
ANGEL: Customer service, how can I help you?
SNAKE: *glaring at millipede* Can I speak to your supervisor?
Not to be too edgy, but chocolate is now on average slightly too salty! It’s a nice change of pace, but not all candy needs to be seasoned like french fries!
I just ate a donut before dinner & told my kids I can cuz I’m an adult so they will see growing up is awesome & eventually leave home.
i mentioned that my parents have been married 40 years and my gf was like “wow, i wonder what it would be like to love someone for 40 years” and it’s like, just to be clear, my parents wouldn’t know
Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.
May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job
John Denver: Almost heaven-
Me: Wow the place he’s singing about must be amazing
John Denver: -West Virginia
Me: Ok