Apiarist: Don’t! Stop!
Bee: *leaving*
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I texted my husband about all the sex I’m expecting for my birthday and accidentally sent it to my MIL. She just responded that she’s already made other plans that day.
Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.
If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you
Ha.
What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer was “Nun of the Above”.
Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet
I never lock my car. What is someone gonna steal, my thousands of McDonald’s napkins? Perhaps my broken sunglasses? Every water bottle my kids have ever opened and took one sip of? They’d be doing me a favor.
Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”
it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once
Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday
Was at a political event recently (not my usual scene), MP was selling raffle tickets to support a potential parliamentary candidate.
I asked him how much they were.
He said “It’s five pound a strip”
I said “Do I get to choose the music?”
Just looked at me then walked off 🤣
9yo: Dad, how come you’re so good at Mario Kart but so bad at driving your car?
Me: Go to your room.
Friend: So, do you workout?
Me: OMG, have you SEEN my abs?!?
Friend: No
Me: Yeah, neither have I.
I can’t convince the kids to come for dinner yet my husband convinced them he can do backflips, but only in his backflip pants, which he has misplaced.
According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.
Me: I want more
Dentist: excuse me?
Me: you know how you take teeth out?
Dentist: yea
Me: do that but the opposite
“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.
Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.
“When are you due?”
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.
My mispronunciation of French words is a touché subject.
If you drop the entire pan of pasta on the floor at dinner time don’t panic just grate some cheese on top, give each of the kids a fork and call it Floor Pasta Thursday
Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.
If you aren’t happy single, you won’t be happy taken. Real happiness comes from The Cheesecake Factory, not relationships.
6/6/14 Dear Diary – Today was really great. Got a job as an intern with the CIA and sent a cool tweet.
6/7/14 Dear Diary – Guantanamo sucks.
Anytime a young person makes me watch a Tik Tok I don’t like, I make them watch a full season of Frasier on DVD
“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.
If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee
The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations
They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.
I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.