I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.
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Did my fruit just move?
Pear-anormal activity
Lately *certain* individuals have been making very hurtful remarks about my personal choice to wear mittens rather than gloves.
But I don’t like to point fingers.
One of my coworkers just took every friday off from now until february. so lets all collectively hate her please.
Marriage Tip: If your wife goes silent in the middle of an argument, you probably shouldn’t ask if you can go back to mowing lawn.
Can’t trust anyone that refuses to admit
They are wrong.Sidenote: I do have a place to hide their bodies.
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.
Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod
Didn’t realize my teen was annoyed with me until she ordered a Coke at lunch even though we’re a Pepsi family.
M: Bless me Father for I have sinned.
P: You’re not even Catholic.
M: You don’t want to hear what I did?
P: Oh, I do. I’ve read your tweets.
I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.
I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:
I don’t want to pull focus from the Oprah interview but I am currently in a hot air balloon 30 miles off the coast of California and I have no idea how I’m going to get down safely
there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind
I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck
8: *gives me a pen*
Me: *takes it*
8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!
“I really can’t stay“
Baby, it’s cold outside
“My Uber’s on its way”
Ok, that’s cool, actually… I thought I was going to have to give you a ride
[visiting hours at prison]
BEAR WIFE: How are you coping?
BEAR: I miss the woods.
BW: The tranquility?
BEAR: No, I really need a shit.
me: *dies*
death: welcome to the afterlife
me: how do I get to heaven?
death: *points* go up those stairs
me: what about hell?
death: *points* go down those stairs
me: and limbo?
death: *points* just duck under that bar
Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.
Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.
[calls up friend]
Remember when you said I wouldn’t ever make it on TV? Well turn on the news!
“Okay, but why are you calling from jail?”
the name “alvin and the chipmunks” implies that while simon and theodore are chipmunks, alvin himself is something else, something far more sinister
People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
M-I can’t go. My Ewok is sick.
H-Gigi that’s a stuffed animal.
M-
H-
M-Crap. I think you’re right. I bet he ate all my Doritos again.
[rolls down car window]
“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”
Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!
Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floorBanks, What’s exactly your problem 😭
My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married
It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
when my dog starts eating grass I tell him “no bud that will make you pukey” but he’s seen me down tequila like I’m trying to dissolve my intestines so he can eat a little roadside salad