Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.
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I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
WAITER: would you like to try the chef’s special, tender snow crab?
ME [getting defensive]: maybe but there’s no reason for name calling
ME: If I donate my body, will it be used for weird and gross sex experiments?
SCIENTIST: Of course not!
ME: Oh. Nevermind, then.
My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.
Me: I just want to be able to afford to eat sometimes
Wife: What about me and the kids?
Me: I’M NOT A CANNIBAL YOU IDIOT
Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy
It’s okay if you didn’t notice that I switched my beard trimmer’s setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.
ME: Im a secret agent
THEM: With like the FBI
ME: Idk its a secret
[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
he’s doing your taxes
I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.
“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”
-My 4yo inventing orange soda
Superhero Origins
Spider-Man: bit by radioactive spider
Iron Man: bit by radioactive iron
Hawkeye: bit by radioactive hawk right in the eye
Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20
When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.
When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.
Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.
Just one more chapter! (via @someecards)
“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.
Him:When do you get off?
Me: Usually once you go to sleep
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Oh you mean work? 6 o’clock Hun, see you then.
I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.
I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
“Get a load of this guy!”- Receptionist at a sperm bank.
Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.
“I’ll NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.