Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”
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I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.
Read the tweet above this one and then the tweet below it. People paid FORTY-FIVE DOLLARS PER SHARE FOR THIS.
He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.
Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.
Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists
Hear me out….
A pub crawl, but to bakeries.
Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.
Me: A wizard is never late. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.
Boss: You work at Quiznos, stupid. And you’re fired.
If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
Like this Or this
My wife doesn’t like me saying this but we “bumped uglies”* this morning.
*hit the neighbours’ kids with our car
[emptying dishwasher]
HOW IN THE HELL DO I FIT ALL THESE COFFEE CUPS IN THE CABINET
I love when you stroke my ego.
My ego is inside my panties.
It isn’t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door.
I’m fine by the way.
My sister got me this real fancy, expensive laundry detergent for Christmas, and I washed my bedding with it. The first night I dreamt I was drowning in a candle and the next I woke up with my blanket in my mouth. No one ever said the transition to boujee would be an easy one.
Why is it when the sun blacks out on a Monday afternoon it’s an “amazing natural phenomenon” but when I do it’s a “problem”
If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
Me at a wine tasting:
*swirls glass*
*sniffs*
*sips slowly*
*stares off into the distance*
…Ah, yes. This is in fact wine.
When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?
My kids have apparently started a neighborhood rock washing business, they stick them in their pockets, I unknowingly put them through the machine and they come out all shiny on the other end
“IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!” I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin.
I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.
flight attendant: sir u r seated in an exit row, are u willing and able to xyz in case of emergency
the highest guy you have ever seen: yes
If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!
Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.
Disappointed it’s raining this weekend
Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months
Me: how much for the goth harmonica?
Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater
[customs]
“Passport?”
*I lift up my bag & a severed head falls out*
ME: OH NO OH GOD
*still rummaging through bag*
ME: I’ve forgotten it
I haven’t had a donut since two thousand and quarantine.
GUY: are u in the 1%
ME: more like the 2%
GUY: well that’s still great
ME: [wondering why this guy’s so in to milk] it’s pretty cool I guess