LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.
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Always surround yourself with people who are successful, because people who are successful always have money to bail you out jail
H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep
I throw naked mini-wheats back in the box like I’m not the one who’s gonna get stuck with the bowl of naked mini-wheats in the end
Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl
[Jaden Smith at aquarium]
“…any questions?”
Do Crabs Think Fish Can Fly?
“No”
What If Our Air Is Just Bird Water?
“Huh”
How Can Birds Be R
A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
Wife: Don’t tweet that
Me: *thinks about it*
Wife: I’ll divorce you
Me: *thinks harder*
Wife: And give you all 4 kids
Me: *hits delete*
My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
I’m a carb girl, born and bread
I love chasing after you…
* me to the ice cream man driving down the road
Dear woman I saw jog down a busy street, run into a liquor store, buy two bottles of wine, and then jog back home,
Come back to me.
[everyone in the STI clinic glaring at my Pokemon shirt]
“No no it means like, I want to catch all the Pokemon”
In case you’re wondering it takes a 6 year old approximately 20 min to pick out a bunch of bananas at the supermarket
This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.
A bloke just in front of me got knocked over by a runaway shopping trolley and if I hadn’t paused to look at a couple of fish fillets it could have been me. I immediately thought, there but for the brace of cod go I.
Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”
Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way
I don’t think the water lizards run on the water always. I think it’s a “oh hey I forgot something” or “shit it’s the cops, run” thing.
In the mood for a horror show so I’m gonna sit back and watch as my kids make a haunted gingerbread house with full blown colds and no Kleenex.
I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.
4yo: WHY HAVEN’T YOU TAKEN ME TO SEE THE KILLER WHALES
Me: Well, I guess because—
4yo: THEY LIVE IN ANTARCTICA
Me: I mean, that’s part of the—
4yo: I HAVE BOOTS
Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One
them: talk is cheap
me: two talks please
when someone tries to make you take a photo facing the sun bc it’s good lighting
I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.
coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm
I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.