7yo: daddy did you know that the number eleven is odd?
me: yes
7yo: then why does it have the word even in it?
me:
You Might Also Like
Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.
Had day surgery – came out with about fifteen less followers than when I went in with.
So apparently I’m offensive even when unconscious.
Sounds painful and this is the weirdest pick up line ever. Can I just pay for my stuff and leave? Mmm-k, Thanks.
Agency: Why have you decided to adopt children?
Me: I’m trying to get on the Buzzfeed funny parent list
Agency:
Me: Children are the future
My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
This sounds bad:
It says “Keep away from children” on the bottle of my anxiety pills.
If I had taken that advice, I wouldn’t need the pills.
Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.
Me: Why are you digging in your ear?
3: Daddy pulled out coins yesterday and I’m looking for more for my piggy bank!
Me: Well in this economy it can’t hurt to try
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….
Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.
Kid: Can I eat candy for breakfast?
Me: No of course not! Now finish your donuts.
*proposes to girlfriend, accidentally dropping the ring in the ocean*
“I’ll still marry you”
No. I’m married to the sea now
*dives in*
When traveling abroad it’s good to learn basic language. “I’d like a beer.” “Where’s the bathroom?” “I need a taxi.” “Just not in my hair.”
Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”
To the max.. 😂
Sound on
Though built to help exterminate all human life, XJ719 really wanted to be a gold medal-winning Olympic athlete.
And 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 exterminate all human life.
Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson
I watched a YouTube video about six signs you have depression and are not just lazy. I’m happy to report that apparently, I’m just lazy.
4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.
Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.
These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.
ghost me: baaaaaa
guy: are you saying baa instead of boo
ghost me: look i just died yesterday ok please don’t stress me out
How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?
I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.
My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”
*Runs 6 miles*
*Adds Kenyan to resume*
Hate is too strong of a word, but to the guy who brought a cowbell to a 7am youth hockey game, I very much dislike you
At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave