My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game
You Might Also Like
Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk
Y’all!! I’m dying I ordered delivery to my hotel and here they have a robot that takes it up to you. The robot got here and then REFUSED to give me my food and instead just said “going home now” and drove off. Haha the future is WILD y’all
They didn’t leave much room for new models when they called it the ‘ULTRA-Sound’. “Mr Sutherland, I’ll book you in for a Sonic-Boom”
If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.
If you send me $100, I will send you an audio of me naked saying “Thanks”.
Groom: Dude, the invitation was for Gandalf the Grey.
Gandalf: Oh, it’s Gandalf the White now.
Bride: [fuming]
Gandalf: [looks fabulous]
Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.
she left me for good. what am i suposed to do now?
“…there ar plenty of fish in the sea”
OK DUDE FOR THE LAST TIME IM NOT GONA DATE A FISH
Him: Hey can you help with these groceries in the trunk?
Me: No way, Charles Manson!
Him: But I just..
Me: I’VE SEEN THE NEWS
HIM: We’ve been married for 12 years
Me *hurries in our house and locks the door*
It’s terrible when my husband “misplaces” his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*
TEENAGE JAMES BOND: its actually just a learners permit to kill. I can kill, but only with an adult over 25 and not after 10pm
I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.
Why does life keep trying to teach me patience? I don’t want to learn patience!
[plane]
“Is there a doctor on board?”
Im a doctor
“Okay quick the passenger is having a heart att-
Of fine arts
“What?”
Doctor of Fine Arts
Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.
Her: Why don’t you get married?
Me: I’ve never been that hungry.
single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008
*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN
“Hello welcome to meteorologist school. Please stick your head out of the nearest window and pick your diploma up on your way out.”
nobody’s gonna understand
Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.
Customer: Why do you own a hot dog stand when you draw and write?
Me: Wanna buy my book?
Them: No.
Me: That’s why I own a hot dog stand.
me: *whispering angrily against his lips* no it’s not ok
waiter: *whispers back* but have you ever actually tried Pepsi
*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house
Nah, I ain’t distracted.
“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.
Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo
me when i see my girls butt
*looking a gift horse in the mouth*
– British dentists
[waking up on sunday morning]
me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night
*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*
If you rarely drive on snow, just pretend you’re taking your grandma to church. There’s a platter of biscuits and 2 gallons of sweet tea in glass jars in the back seat. She’s wearing a new dress and holding a crock pot full of gravy.