Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.
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[texting]
her: 🍆+🍑
me: *shows up with eggplant parmesan and peach pie*
her: YES!!!!
Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.
Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.
I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.
*2 days before payday*
Me: CLEAR!
Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary
Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min
SON: Dad, were there any doctor shows like Grey’s Anatomy when you were a kid?
ME: Yeah.
SON: What was it called?
ME: Grey’s Anatomy.
Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
“looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points” – commentators on my snowboard run
My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said “how many eyebrows do I have?”
Me: “Get me a newspaper.”Friend: “Don’t be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad.” Poor spider never knew what hit it.
the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out
こいつ天才
[highspeed chase]
ANCIENT GREEK COP: Damn they’re getting away *turns on Siren*
[several nearby ships are lured to their doom]
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
My kid asked me to hold her candy, took one look at my excited face and decided she should hold onto it instead, which was definitely the right call.
Kids today don’t know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.
Love when a cop car pulls up alongside of me and I start thinking of every bad thing I’ve ever done.
Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse
Before I check out of my hotel room, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb
Alien: Take me to your leader.
Me: (nervous af) Look my wife is following a diet and she’s not in the best mood today…
My bf took a deep breath and said “I want you to know…” then admitted he’s been having mushrooms every day, but not to worry because he’s limiting himself to five. I was confused because I didn’t even know he was using them til I realized he meant MARINATED mushrooms. Folks…
*In the back of an ambulance
Me: Change the radio station
Paramedic: Please don’t speak. You need to save your energy
Me: Im not dying to a Nickelback song
What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?
My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book
Whenever someone tells me how well behaved my kids are I say it’s cause they’re not at home.
If I’m your lawyer, we’re in jail
my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon