Son got a RC drone for Christmas. Used it twice and never touched it again. I’ve become a bit of an expert on it chasing the neighbour’s cat out the garden when he comes for a dump. I can get the drone on and out the window in thirty seconds and chase him across six gardens.
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Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.
I put the hot in psychotic.
Converstion would go :-
Tourist: G’day, can you tell me which way is Bondi Beach
Airport employee: Certainly. Its that way (points in a SE direction)
Tourist: Is it walkable distance?
Aiport employee: Not really
Tourist: Why!!?!?!
Airport employee: You’re in Austria
The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.
Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first
me: I ONLY GOT 3 HOURS OF SLEEP LAST NIGHT AND I FEEL GREAT MY BODY HAS FINALLY LEARNED TO EFFECTIVELY AND EFFICIENTLY USE ENERGY
me, 4 minutes later: o god i am dying
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.
Called in, “It’s not you. It’s me,” this morning.
Barber: Snip snip snip snip snip.
Me: What are you doing?
Barber: I’ve lost my scissors and I was hoping I could trick you into thinking I was cutting your hair by saying snip.
Me: I can see you in the mirror.
Me: “Sorry I’m late. Car trouble.”
Him: “What kind of car trouble?”
Me: “It doesn’t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start.”
I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.
My 12 year old can explain the difference between a sociopath and a psychopath.
I think about that a lot when I’m trying to get to sleep.
8-year-old: I upgraded my blanket fort.
Me: It looks the same as before.
8: I added more snacks.
Finally, some meaningful renovations.
Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.
I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.
The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes
I constantly see other people’s jobs they’re doing or have done and think “psshhh, I could do that better” like artists, photographers, dog walker, giraffe masseuse, water boy at a bath house, monkey tickler, Seth Greens personal high fiver, Doctor of Thuganomix.
[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*
I find joy in the small things now, like a pair of cardinals at the bird feeder or seeing my douchehole neighbor trip over his garden hose.
“This is precisely the time when artists go to work. There is no time for despair, no place for self-pity, no need for silence, no room for fear. We speak, we write, we do language. That is how civilizations heal” – Toni Morrison
The worst thing just happened. I won’t recover. I just reached into a box of free samples outside a chicken restaurant. Only it wasn’t free samples. It was a man. Holding a box of chicken. His chicken. I tried to steal this man’s chicken.
My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”
What if the weather talks about us?
Your husband’s super cute, is he single?
Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?
When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.
Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.