[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
You Might Also Like
I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.
I could be a masseuse, or I could just be pulling your leg.
[first date]
{don’t let him know you’re a psychic}
{don’t let her know you’re a psychic}
{we’re both psychic?}
{yeah}
{cool let’s bang}
{k}
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not whining because of the cold. I’m whining because I have to wear a entire load of laundry to stay warm
Me: Do you want in or out?
My dog: Yes.
The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.
[ explaining The Plan ]
jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs
god: look man, these ppl are idiots
Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.
Alarm clock set for 6:00 am
Bladder set for 5:54 am
Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.
This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?
I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.
“We’re not lost!” Dad would insist, despite Mom’s complaints that “This isn’t on the map” and “We shouldn’t be seeing the ocean from Tulsa.”
{asks friend for help with a draft}
*two minutes later*
‘I’d love to help you, but I honestly have no idea where your thought process is taking us here’Me: “It’s fine, really
…..it’s not you, it’s me!”
brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it
My ex got me one of those mermaid tail blankets and when I told my mom she said I don’t need to hear about your perverse sexual proclivities and I think of this often
Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.
[first day as a mover]
boss: ok the items in these boxes are super fragile, treat them like your own kids.
me: got it boss *walks over to boxes* LISTEN HERE IF YOU DON’T CUT THIS SHIT OUT YOU AREN’T GOING TO NANA’S
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.
Mumford & Sons! It’s your cousin, Marvin. Marvin & Sons. You know that new sound you’re looking for? *holds phone to a boiling pot of water*
Titanic
Titanic 2: Ship Happens
Titanic 3: Let It Sink In
Titanic 4: The Quest For Peace
My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.
turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁
Them: life is so unfair sometimes
Me, thinking of how I’ve never been befriended by a wild animal: yeah it really is
The instructions say to place the burrito on one microwave safe plate and to put another microwave safe plate on top of it before heating. Were these instructions written by big dishwasher?
I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
Doctor: “You have lost a lot of blood.”
Me: “That’s not good.”
Doctor: “It’s not. You are the worst manager this blood bank has ever seen.”
Ya I am too Dave it’s nothing to be proud of