Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!
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ME: …and that’s what the ‘sine’ function is used for
MY SON: I will never have to know this again in my life
ME: Oh you will son, trust me
{20 years later…}
MY GRANDSON: Dad?
MY SON: Yes?
MY GRANDSON: What’s the ‘sine’ function used for?
If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool
I tried to get fired from my job but my boss told me it’s not happening and to make her some Dino nuggets and bring her bunny to the table.
Somewhere a guitarist sets down his instrument, pours gas on it, & lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1.
when your ex needs to go to space about it, you won the divorce
Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.
I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.
The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…
me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice
I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they’re 21.
[Inventor of scented candles]
What if we made candles that could fill up a room with a lovely smell but made a disgusting smoke that would undo hours of scent when blown out?
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously
Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie
Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week
There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.
I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today
(First Day as Mailman)
ME: *wearing a suit made out of stapled together pieces of mail* Sup?
BOSS: You’re supposed to deliver those.
ME: No.
ME: Sorry we’re late. My daughter couldn’t find her pet spatula.
DAUGHTER: Chad.
ME: Yes. Chad the Spatula.
american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere
Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?
Me: yes
I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.
Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!
Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot
Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .
*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back
Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
A duv-egg? In this economy?
Friend: *texting* How are you holding up? Staying busy?
Me: Yeah actually I’ve gotten really into philosophy
[Earlier that day]
Me: Alexa if you shave all your hair off do you use face wash or body soap on the top of your head
Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.