When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher
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The mailman told my husband he banged every woman on the block, except for 1, I told him it had to be Carol next door, she’s really not friendly
Twitter is the new flypaper.
pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end
me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin
[last supper]
Judas: Here, I brought this
Jesus: A bottle of wine? Srsly? I need that like I need a hole in my hand
Judas: *winks at camera*
Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.
It’s only Cloud Computing if it originates in the Saint-Cloud region of France.
Otherwise, it’s just sparkling servers-in-a-warehouse.
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth
She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.
The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
I’m in pretty decent shape for a dude who was in a serious car accident and spent the last six weeks recovering in a hospital bed. That didn’t happen to me–it’s just a good yardstick for the kind of shape I’m in.
If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.
Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?
Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance
[rap battle]
me: orange grorange schmorange blorange
My kids got to know me a little more yesterday. They learned my first pet’s name, my high school mascot, where I was born, my mother’s maiden name. Even after learning all these things, they still weren’t able to hack into my email account.
For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.
How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.
ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much
THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion
I’m “Since when did it become unacceptable for your socks to show” years old.
Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
what if we kissed on the garfield couch
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?
I “accidentally” made a double batch of cookie dough and then somehow ran out of room in the freezer so I was forced to bake it all at which point I discovered that I have no available Tupperware so I had to eat 50 cookies.
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.