What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god
You Might Also Like
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock
Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.
[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right
Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.
Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.
A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.
Me (remembering that girls like cute things): do you like peppa pig?
Date:
Me (remembering girls like tough guys): I killed her
All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.
Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
Me: what do you get when you cross a bear with a shark
My Dog: bark
Me: wait henry don’t give it away
I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken
interviewer: what’s your greatest strength
me: you tell me
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: delegating?
me: that’s right
I adopt cats because I can’t have any of my own.
Average age of billionaires: 65
Average age of billionaires in books: 35
Steve : I’m going to call it the Steveharmonic orchestra.
*Phil creeps up from behind with baseball bat*
Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town
Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town
A:So quirky
C:Haha America’s sweetheart
it was love at first sight
i’m not paying off my credit cards anymore if they wanted that money back they shouldn’t have gave it to me
never compromise your values
Some stranger replied to a tweet and asked me to date him, so I’m wondering what kind of weirdo does that and what should I wear.
embracing tradition. boyfriend just went to dunkin (hunter) as i sit in bed finding funny tik-toks to show him later (gatherer)
I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.
My favorite child is the Roomba.
I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 😂😂😂
Intelligence:
Below average – Loves Joe Rogan
Average – Thinks he’s okay and listens occasionally
Above average – Despises Joe Rogan
Genius level – Never heard of Joe Rogan
Top 1% genius – Have never heard of Joe Rogan but are scheduled to be on his show next week