*man with beerbelly waiting outside elementary school*
*teacher walks towards man*
“are you expecting a child?”
“no thats from all the beer”
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Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”
20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh
Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it
I’ll be mad as hell!
Parents: Don’t put glass near your eyes.
Inventor of eyeglasses: Okay, I tried it and I’m sorry, but you’re not gonna believe this…
A lawyer walks into a bar. A lawyer leaves the bar. A lawyer walks into the bar. A lawyer fails the bar because he was drunk.
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
You’re not meeting me at my best, my best was like 10 minutes 16 years ago
I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!
Date: Uhh seriously?
Me: Oh don’t tell me you don’t sneak food into the movies too
*dips lobster in my pocket filled with melted butter*
M: Yes, I’m here for the complimentary wine tasting.
Priest: Ma’am, this is a church service.
M: Oh, no worries. I can wait.
What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
I’m trying to convince my boss that “ffs” is short for
“For faster service”
so I can put
“What do you need now, ffs”
in all my emails
to get your prison name, take your favorite weapon and then murder someone.
Me:Everything you know about me is a lie.Coworker:So you didnt dance naked in the fountain at the mall?Me: Everything other than that.
My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.
My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.
*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?
I put my laptop in incognito mode but it still has “DELL” written on its lid in big letters, so it obviously hasn’t worked.
me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
[at ultrasound]
Dr [preparing gloves]: are you allergic to latex?
Me: yeah that’s why we’re here
worst…sale…ever
Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!
Interviewer: What drives you?
Me: The bus mostly
Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
M: missing the bus
Thanks McDonald’s for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries
My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there – so he’d see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey.
The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.