family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”
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“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.
advocating for yourself is so awkward. i wish more professions had agents. i just want a little hype man to meet with my boss and say things like “my client deserves more pay” and “my client is really good at his job” and “i love my client so much does he look taller?”
Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
Child: Mommy said I’m allowed to say the C-word now.
Me: Uh. What C-word?
Child: The bad one.
Me:
Child:
Me: Mommy is letting you say-
Wife [running in from other room]: CRAP SHE MEANS CRAP
[in the world of chess]
kings: here’s a sword
bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.
my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn
Meow should be an acceptable answer to any question that can’t be answered with yes or no. For example:
-What’s your favorite colour?
-Meow
Now you’re thinking there isn’t such a colour, but you don’t know all colours, and new colours are born every day, so..
Punctuation Matters. Period.
Overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Twitter than to her….Or at least that’s what I think she said to me.
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im a grown up. it’s my STOMACH that hurts because I had too many sweets without mothers permission
Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.
Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”
Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
How do you restore your body back to ‘factory settings’?
Is it kale? it’s kale, isn’t it? please don’t say kale.
Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet
When it comes to gifts, I’m easy to buy for. I want what every woman wants: a domesticated raccoon that is willing to assist me with petty crimes.
I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.
If you’re single on Valentine’s Day, it’s not because you’re undesirable or unattractive. It’s because you didn’t take the time to summon a demon & ask it out on a date and that is 100% your fault.
My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
me: *walking my dog*
her: ah, what’s he called?
my dog: john
I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.
(Electricians.)
I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.