*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
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My Scottish wife just channeled her inner Braveheart… We finally put the baby to bed, close the door, and she goes, “FREEEEEEEEDOM!!!” 🍷
*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM
My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.
If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.
A Brit accepting a compliment:
“I like your coat”
“What? This old rag? Don’t be silly. It cost 2p. I’ve had it ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s a load of tat. Thank you, though!”
Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.
Working on a new catchphrase. I’m workshopping “That really butters my baboon!” and “THAT’ll put a meatloaf in your mailbox!”
They’re testing equally well (nobody likes them)
CUSTOMER: i’m here for the $10 car wash?
CAR WASH GUY: *scrubbing car with a soapy ten-dollar bill* that’ll be $44.99
I wrote ‘DIVORCE’, my wife wrote ‘YES’.
Tough way to find out, but at least I won our last game of Scrabble
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
Me every day: You kids drive me insane. I need a break.
Me before a kid-free trip: I CAN’T LEAVE MY LITTLE SUGAR PLUMS
According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
If my fingers don’t motion like scissors snipping when I ask for a haircut at the salon, how will they know what I mean
*Negative people trying to ruin my mood
*Me
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “cat”
ME: ok
JUDGE: incorrect
[robbing a bank]
accomplice: nice pantyhose
me: thanks
accomplice: on your face next time tho ok
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
Mugger: Gimme yer wallet & don’t do nuthin dumb
Me: That’s a double negative, my friend. Unlike Romance languages, English – hey, come back
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
[God Creating]
Lucifer: Make them wake up paralyzed sometimes
G: That sounds horrible
L: People will love it
G: Hm, I trusted you on spiders
Me: If you could sleep with —
Wife: Ryan Reynolds!
Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.
[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]
Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS
*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly
Why did they call it ‘Rambo: First Blood Part 2’ instead of ‘Rambo: Second Blood’? That’s some bullshit right there.
Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.
Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”
“OMG why am I so sore?”
*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*
“Oh right.”
“You put the clothes in the washer, and then you put them in the dryer, then, on the third day, you fold them and put them away.” – my kid, totally blowing up my spot while explaining how laundry is done