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The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language
*at bar*
Guy, “Do you come here often?”
Me, “I’m a 45 yr old mom of 7. The only place I go often is the grocery store.”
Guy, “I’ll just leave you alone then.”
Me, “Was it something I said?”
I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.
To be honest, the only thing I really like about being a grownup is getting to eat a Popsicle right after I finish eating a Popsicle.
Manslaughter: I always used to read it as ‘man’s laughter’.
Seems oddly appropriate for someone who’s got away with murder…
calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves
Superman hides his identity w/ glasses & a side part. I wear a quilt w/ eye holes & it’s still “Lisa, you’ve been banned from this Wendy’s”.
If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos
Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.
What if the “Silent Majority” is just people who don’t wear corduroys?
Bartenders should put a pink straw into every woman’s 4th drink, as a signal to all the men in the bar, that she’s ready.
Tie a scarf around your doorknob so Amazon knows your Husband is home and to come back later.
Twitter,
I told my 10 year old it was too late for chocolate and I’d get us a yoghurt. We sat and ate them. I then went upstairs and ate the kit kat I’d snuck in my sling.
Sometimes I feel bad for yelling at my kids, but then I remember that some animals eat their kids and I don’t feel so bad anymore.
Bake cookies and the house smells good for 20 minutes.
Bake fish and 4 months later the house still smells like an episode of Deadliest Catch.
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
everyone is motivated by something different. for some folks it’s money, for others it’s a paycheck. some people are even motivated by cash hitting their bank account. others do it for the love of getting paid.
I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.
cat guru: ask yourself – what is the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball
Me: ‘Goodnight.’
Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’
[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”
[child gets stuck in claw machine]
Me: [calls husband] “Hi honey, you’re not going to believe this, but I found us a babysitter for this evening.”
Top 3 screwdrivers:
1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
no, no… I don’t want to be a burden
– me being a total burden
perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
When someone at the gym asks if I’m “using that equipment”, I say “No, my love for it is real.” To date, I’m the only one to find that funny
*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges
My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.
If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do