I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.
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“I don’t have this many cats to sleep alone,” I yell threateningly down the hall to my cats who are all sleeping in the living room.
Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.
I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.
Shoe Salesman: (taking measurements) looks like a size 10 would be a perfect fit
Ronald McDonald: I said (clenching teeth) bring me a size 44
My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.
ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it
When someone tells me that no parenting technique works for every child, I remind them of the 7 Cs: Connection, Compassion, Communication, Chocolate, sCreen time, and Covering your ear holes with Cotton balls.
No one tells you that if you buy a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window that every night at 3 am you will forget you bought a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window.
I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.
I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug
It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity
I am a landlord and my 1 tenant is the spider who lives in my car side view mirror. The rent is free but sometimes there is a great storm in which survival is not guaranteed. For that I’m sorry. I have to wash my car bro
Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.
become ungovernable
me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?
So can we start calling them Traylor now?
Me *secures my kid’s seat belt*
My kid: Are we there yet?
Lmbo
HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs
I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them
If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:
The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.
I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.
Alexa, mess up everyone’s cell phone service.
[meeting at amc network]
“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”
I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.
Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on
If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
[opening birthday cards]
me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these
walmart clerk: put those back
Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this