They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that
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Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?
Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.
This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes
Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
My daughter came downstairs an hour earlier than normal this morning and caught me hiding eggs. I had no choice but to tell her the truth: I woke up early to steal the candy that the Easter Bunny had left her.
Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?
ceimr
thats “crime” but in alphabetical order
organized crime
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!
I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”
It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.
Days without shaking my head disapprovingly at myself: 0
*walks up to salad bar and fills entire plate with bacon bits and chocolate pudding*
*When I see someone else jaywalk*
“What an idiot.”
*When I jaywalk*
“I am a trained professional. Do not attempt this yourself.”
I got a weather service alert that my area is under a flash flood warning and to “take immediate action” so I bought a boat on Amazon. I don’t know I feel like they could be more specific.
Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.
[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.
You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.
Pro tip:
Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap
My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.
Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no
Me: I’d kill for a donut
Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
Star Wars? Nope
Never had any interest in watching something that starred a woman whose hair made her look like one of my dad’s tractors.
“Why tattoos? You wouldn’t put stickers on a nice car.” Ma’am I am at best a 2003 Corolla.
Buzz: hey Neil where do cows come from?
Neil: I dunno where
Buzz: the moooon haha
..
..
*single gunshot*
Neil: uh Houston we have a problem
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops