Q. Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers?
A. Because they’re not supposed to cross the streams
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I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.
Then we switched.
I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it
I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.
Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
YOU CAN’T BE BOTH A NAZI AND A PROUD AMERICAN.
WE LITERALLY HAD A WAR ABOUT THIS.
THE WHOLE WORLD WAS INVOLVED.
Me: We’re ordering pizza.
8-year-old: This is the best day of my life!
Me: We order pizza every week.
8: I have lots of best days.
ME: The kitten has eaten all the grapes!
GF: Just get some more
ME: Ok[later]
GF: Did you get more grapes?
ME [drowning in kittens] what?
[shopping]
May I help you find something?
“Where are the giants?“
What?
“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“
I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!
Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.
The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.
My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.
Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.
When life hands you women, make women laid.
Went Trick-or-Treating last night and all I got was yelled at.
If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone
I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
Strangers have the best candy.
“Yellow leaves are a sign of not enough water.” Oh! Gary watered the plant. “Yellow leaves are also a sign of too much water.” Oh, ffs.
I can’t tell if a family in a movie is happy unless the kids are waking up their parents by jumping onto their bed and yelling about pancakes
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
#HatDadJoke
I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.
The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.
I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.
I am not a parody account. I am The Lord thy God, King of the Universe, and I am communicating by Twitter because My fax is broken.
If I’m being honest, a Seven Nation Army probably could hold me back.
I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!
Seventh-Grade Class Scrambling To Piece Together Teacher’s Home Life From Desktop Background Before PowerPoint Opened
My girlfriend wanted to swap positions in bed. So I told her I have a headache and went to sleep.