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Me: “Seems bad that King Charles is ill, his wife is unpopular, and his heir is up to some problematic shit”
2020’s guy: “yeah”
1680’s guy: “yeah”
BOSS: I’m sorry mike, but you’ve been downsized
ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan
*hits bong*
*abuses bong*
*bong calls bong protection agency*
*bong custody taken*
*bong put in foster home*
*bong misses old life*
Improve a famous quote by adding or replacing a word with tacos.
Only a life lived for tacos is a life worthwhile. — Albert Einstein
Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.
Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
Not to brag, but I was voted “Most Likely To Mention Something Truly Insignificant As If It Was A Big Deal” by everyone who has ever met me.
I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
wife: WHO LOADED THE DISHWASHER?
[cut to me sitting at a bus station waiting to start my new life]
Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me
One of my favorite scientific discoveries in recent years is that among domesticated animals, dogs recognize the difference between themselves and people, but cats just think the people who live with them are terrible incompetent cats
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.
Welcome to earth! You have a choice of private parts. Would you like the one that creates life & bleeds or the constant bad decision maker?
There are four main food groups:
1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried
[job interview]
Says here you’re good with nicknames?
“I don’t wanna brag Super Cool Interviewer Man”
*under his breath* holy shit he’s good
I get it, crocs and socks are not sexy at all, but I wasn’t getting laid in tennis shoes either and this is ridiculously comfortable.
Phone
Me: I can’t. I can’t THINK right now. I CAN’T. Too exhausted.
Person: But if you could just—
Me: LISTEN to me. LISTEN. I CAN’T. No higher brain function. Stop asking. Too tired to think. Stop making words to me
After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.
I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies
it’s not about the cards you’re dealt, but how you play the hand you’ve got hidden up your sleeve
Interviewer: It says in your CV that you are quick at maths. What is 23 x 39?
Me: 69.
Interviewer: That’s not even close.
Me: No, but it was quick, isn’t it?
waiting for halloween be like:
If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started
statistically speaking if 3 million people are getting the vaccine one of them will die in a car crash on the way home which means my idiot aunt is going to facebook message me that the vaccine causes car accidents
When I think about you, I touch myself.
In the face.
With my fist.
You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.
Operator: 911, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, so I’ve heard of leaving your kid at the fire station, do they do pickup as well?
It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”
🎵 These cheese curds are beyond compare
I can watch the hockey there
I wear my toque and back bacon is keen
Eat Tim Horton’s with no cares
Share my french fries with some bears
But I cannot compete with you
Poutine