Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.
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*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
There are two types of people who go on vacation together. One wants to be the Indiana Jones of adventures and the other wants to eat themselves into a food coma, and pass out at the pool until sunburned.
You can’t tell me to make mental health a priority and also keep putting calorie counts on restaurant menus.
interviewer: what do you know about excel?
me: *closing my eyes* 24th and 12th letter of the alphabet
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.
If Mitt Romney was president, we’d blame everything on him. “Damn why is it so cold outside? It wasn’t this cold when Obama was president.”
Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne
Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.
You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.
90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
LOCAL BOTS ARE SICK AND TIRED OF PRETENDING TO BE HOT LOCAL SINGLES AND WANT YOU TO ACCEPT THEM AS THEY ARE; LINES OF CODE AND NOTHING MORE
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
Give a man a fish, he eats today.
Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.
Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…
What if giving up is overrated?
you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute
my son swallowed our amazon dash button and now im afraid to hug him for fear of ordering another bulk order of goldfish snacks. am i cursed
imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out
Nearly having a panic attack when you hear “tickets, please!” as you sit in the correct seat holding your fully valid train ticket.
Stranger man at the beach asked me, “Y’all got a boat?” I said we have three, but they’re old Fisher-Price models.
It took him a moment.
“Your present is too big and weirdly shaped to wrap. Oh! What if I buried it in the yard?!” -me, genuinely, earlier today. Wife said no.
They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.
“My buddy can’t get a date it’s wild”
That sucks. What’s he like?
“He’s in great shape, hits the gym,”
But what’s his personality-
“He makes so much money. He has three Ferraris.”
How’s his personali-
“He wears three gold watches & a gold hat. Why doesn’t he have a gf”
jerry would invest in crypto but gain nothing
george would invest and lose everything
kramer would become a billionaire
elaine would call them all stupid until she starts dating a crypto guy