Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.
You Might Also Like
Society: Dance like no ones watching.
Also society: Records it for everyone to see.
Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
Next time my 5 y/o says “Daddy, guess what?”, I’m going to refuse to let her continue until I can actually guess, even if it takes 7 years.
*Walks 500 miles
*Walks 500 more
*Is the guy who falls down at your door
*Knocks
*Gets no answer
*Realizes he should have called first
Breaking the little-known 11th Commandment – thou shalt not covet thy neighbours baguette. Exodus 20:17.
Friend: Will we be hearing the patter of tiny feet soon?
Me: *grabbing her arm too hard* You know about my squirell army
Nurse: Hi I’m Sandi I’ll be drawing your blood today.
Me: [not seeing a single red crayon] How?
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me
When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice
[shopping]
May I help you find something?
“Where are the giants?“
What?
“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“
The Struggle
How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.
Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt
*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*
16: ‘Why do you drink wine every night?’
Me: ‘They say a couple glasses is good for your heart.’
16: ‘Is that why you’re using two glasses?’
Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”
You’re not USELESS…
I’m just saying that 300 years ago YOU would’ve been the one to test which mushrooms the village could & couldn’t eat
Things to say instead of “I hope this email finds you well”
-I hope you reply quickly
-Now, pay attention
-I hope many things but life isn’t fair
-Listen in
-Let’s do this!
-I will say this only once
-Your hair looks nice
-I’m tired, let’s get this over with
-Here we go again…
Parenting’s First Law of Physics:
An object in motion ends up resting on the floor until there’s an argument over who should pick it up.
I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.
Can you imagine if it was normal to say goodbye to everyone in the movie theater? “… have a good one.. enjoyed watching the movie with you..”..
Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time
Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”
My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite
[clown cleaning shower]
MRS CLOWN: Don’t forget to remove the hair from the drain.
[clown just keeps pulling long multi-coloured hair out]
6YO: My tummy hurts
Me: Must be the bag of cookies you ate
6YO: It’s the other one, not my cookie tummy