With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us
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*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid
Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?
Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber
C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.
I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.
It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.
what if i hugged you really tight and then loosened my grip slowly and then told you your blood pressure is 140/90
The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curlyI pray to myself as I pull a hair from my mouth while eating Chinese food
Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.
My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.
I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building
Me: for my first wish I want 20 dollars
Genie: done. and your second?
Me: infinite money
Genie: no can do
Me: *slips him my first wish* how about now
If my girlfriend hired cheaters they’d just tell her “the whole goddamn day, he looked up from his phone twice and once it was to sneeze”
“Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil..”
Him: Do you have to say that everytime we visit my mom?
I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”
Me: *just woke up*
My gym bro: dude you look like you just woke up
Me: *panics in just have been woken up*
Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!
Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄
I will buy anything that is endorsed by a celebrity from the 70’s/80s. That’s why I have a reverse mortgage even though I live in an apartment.
Kid: Have you seen the pine cone bird feeder I made?
Me: *picking seeds out from between my teeth* BIRD feeder?
Miss 9: When I grow up I’m going to have this house. When you.. you know..
cop: you’re so busted
me: thanks. I just had them done
*1st day in hell*
Devil: So you just sit in this room and people give you gifts
Me: Oh nice
Devil: And you have to react to each one
Me: NO
[surprising my bf at work]
Me: Hey you *wink*
Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We’ve been over this, lady, either buy something or leave
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
me: my night terrors are getting worse
therapist: anything you can change about your night-time routine?
[flashback to eating a wheel of mature cheddar in bed every night]
m: *shaking my head* nope, not a damn thing
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Daughter: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
My daughter just started a question with: So mom, you’ve been old for a really long time…
I don’t know what the rest of the question was, I stopped listening after “long time”
I will not buy ornamental gourds this year!
I WILL NOT BUY GOURDS!*buys all the gourds (and a hay bale)
Friend: [rubs my shoulder] Aw, honey, your life isn’t over. It’s just beginning!
Me: *sobs even harder