I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.
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Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.
If there was any question as to what kind of teenager my 7yo will be, last night she pulled out a toy cellphone and started pretend texting during her own bedtime story
[Restaurant]
Me *has a sip and nods at date* yes, that’s fine, we’ll have a bottleWaiter: One ketchup coming up
‘”I’m a healthy bacteria that aids in digestion”
– probiotic
“Ummm…. Pssssstt!! Dude… What’s a digestion?”
– amateur biotic
“I have a cure for your burning bush.” — Moses hitting on the ladies
ME: Sorry I was late.
FRIEND: What happened?
ME: *remembers spending all morning rolling slowly around in bed like a rotisserie chicken* I fell off a bridge.
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r: what can I do for you?me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener
At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house
My 4yo just asked me if I was there when we went to Disney 6 weeks ago for 5 days, so I’m obviously making a huge impact in her life.
[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet
IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice
ME: I really don’t know what you want from me
[riding crowded elevator]
Me: jeez louise, how many stops is this thing gonna make
Jeez Louise: five
We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now
I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.
9-year-old: Why do we have to dress up for church?
Me: To show God we have our act together.
9: But he knows we’re lying.
Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you
Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.
i love meeting boys on tinder
Putting a kid to bed for the 1st time: Let me sing you this sweet lullaby, my sweet, sweet child.
Putting a kid to bed for the 3,680th time: I’ll give you $100 if you go to bed.
Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month
Goats that intimidate others are bully goats
Ok, ok, here’s the plan. When Bezos goes into space we move the planet so he can’t find us anymore.
It never worked for my parents but we’re talking some much further distance here.
(way too loud, trying not to get murdered) Wow, the Boeing corporation’s manufacturing quality is top notch, outclassed only by their generous workplace policies
50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds
JOB REQUIREMENTS: Must have a college degree. Must have 5 years experience. Must have volunteered as tribute and won the 74th Hunger Games.
@ candidates for local office
“play stupid games, win stupid prizes” bold of you to assume i am winning the stupid games
Just walked past a bin man struggling to get a wheelie bin to connect to the bin lorry. He said “come on, you silly sod” to the bin. Struck me as very British. We talk to inanimate objects like they’re frustrating mates. I called my oven hob a “bloody idiot” yesterday.