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9yo: My best friend is going to be gone for 2 weeks on vacation. It’s going to be the worst.
Me: Well, it gives us the chance to hang out.
9yo: You’re making it worse.
I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.
No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.
My heist companions jump into the car, screaming, “GO! GO!” at me.
I frantically lick sauce off my fingers, trying to pack up my leftover spare ribs…
[first day as a tampon designer]
Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.
I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.
A good friend bails you out of jail, a best friend is sitting in the cell right next to you, a worst friend framed both of you for murder.
I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
Editor: You wrote a play about Victorian England using menstrual blood as ink?
Me: Yes, it’s a period piece.
My eldest is at the age where she’s starting to ask questions. Tonight she started asking about Father Christmas. My wife calmly took her to another room to answer, leaving me with her younger siblings. We couldn’t hear so I still don’t know what’s up. Hope Santa is OK
It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car
[invention of croutons]
Let me put a few bread rocks on top of your salad. Trust me, people in neighboring cities will hear you eating this.
There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.
Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.
Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies
Looking at pictures of myself as a kid taken just after my mother cut my bangs makes me wonder what she used to mix in her Tang.
reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.
[watching #diving]
ME: Huge splash! Nice!
ANNOUNCER: That splash will cost her a medal.
ME [changing channel]: The Olympics are garbage.
*speed date*
Her: Hi there, my name’s —
Me: Braid my hair.
ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me
The Purge: Valentine’s Day
just make the entire table out of coaster
blade runner wouldn’t drive anything bc then he’d be blade driver y’all are so stupid.
Yesterday was International Day of Happiness. If you find yourself feeling happy today by mistake, don’t panic. Just focus on the news until the feeling passes.
Making out like this makes me hungry ever since I practiced kissing on my ham
Him: …
Me:…
Him: …
Me: …
Him: It’s “HAND”
Me: Say oink
“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb
I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.
Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”
Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.
[Jumps into taxi]
“FOLLOW…”
[taxi driver turns around excitedly]
“…ME ON TWITTER”
[Jumps out & moonwalks into Olive garden]
Kinda thick horizontal curvy line, two thinner curvy vertical lines, squiggly line, different thicker squiggly line
-Japanese spelling bee