Interviewer: Can you explain the gap in your CV?
Me: I spent 6 hours formatting it in Google Docs and you’ve opened it in Word.
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a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you
My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.
Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.
A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged
Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.
My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine
The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.
The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: I make text look like faces
professor XD : what?
“Members of the jury, how do u find the defendant?”
“we… can’t find him at all”
“DAMMIT THIS IS THE 3RD MURDER WALDO HAS GOTTEN AWAY WITH”
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉
her: are those empty
I’m not smart enough to have this many people dumber than me.
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.
“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”
They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.
imagime if introverts were as aggresive to extroverts as extroverts r to introverts
“why do u hav to socialize”
“why dont u stay in”
“loser”
INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control
The five stages of camping:
1- Denial: “No, we’re not going”
2- Anger: “I hate camping!”
3- Bargaining: “If we stay home I’ll cook waffles”
4- Depression: “Fine. Whatever”
5- Acceptance: “This isn’t so bad. I don’t know why you were complaining”
All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
If it wasn’t for my mil gifting me tons of bath & body works lotion I wouldn’t be able to survive the zombie apocalypse
Zombie 1: smells like peach blossom wine party
Zombie 2: no brains here
My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more
Just found empty bags of goldfish and Cheetos under my girls’ bunk bed and I told them I was disappointed that this was the best hiding place they could come up with.
Scream 1996: killer uses landline; makes it until the end
Scream 2022: killer uses Facebook, twitter, insta; gets caught immediately
I thought that my dog waking me up to poop in the middle of the night was exhausting until she started pooping to wake me up, which is WAY worse.
The purpose of twitter is to gain enough followers that you can post something like “eating a burger” and have 40 people reply saying hell yea
if you’re a 28 year old who has snorted ketamine in an art gallery bathroom, it seems that you are not, in fact, “baby.” a baby wouldn’t do that